Customer Support Script (based on my experience of the majority of customer 'support' centres)
To be read in the style of Leonard Cohen with absolutely no emotion or inflection of any kind.
The answer to each question should be ignored where possible, unless the script indicates that you should be paying attention.
Speeling miss steaks, or internashunal spellung should be used as frequently as possible, but no more off ten than mispronunciation.
Hello, my name is {common name that does not realistically match the thick accent you are having trouble understanding}, how can I make your whole week worse than it was before you tracked down this obscure customer support number?
What was the purchase date of your {insert product description here}?
Do you have your invoice number to hand?
Do you recall your order number?
What is your confirmation number?
Please write down case # 154278acQd90765lkt-7734+kqcxzsda in case we get disconnected - this number will not mean anything to anyone, even if you do call back, but I get paid by the minute of phone time so it's vital I keep you connected for as long as possible.
What is the model number?
What is the serial number?
What is the revision number?
What is the manufacturing date code?
What is the number immediately beneath the serial number and just to the right of the date code, but not as far right as the revision number and just above the model number? Yes, the one in grey ink on a grey background that is so small you'll probably need an electron-microscope to even see that it exists.
What do you mean? This device is mounted outside 30 feet up in the air and you can't reach it? What is this "6 feet of snow on the ground" of which you speak? I just checked outside and all we have is dust and elephant sh*t. Actually, I don't even know what snow is; is it some kind of new word for elephant sh*t?
What is the problem with your device? Allow me to repeat that back to you incorrectly 3 times merely to increase your frustration levels.
What obscure random act of violence did your device undergo immediately prior to this alleged problem?
Have you checked the batteries? I'm sorry, I didn't know that device doesn't take batteries.
Have you checked the power supply?
Have you tried a new power supply?
Have you tried another new power supply?
Are you sure the power supply is correct for your region?
Have you tried another device of the exact same specification in the same configuration as your allegedly failed device?
What do you mean, you don't have two spare power supplies and a spare device? What kind of fool are you?
Do you know anyone you can borrow power supplies and devices from?
Have you checked the remote?
Have you checked the remote with brand-new, known-good batteries correctly installed in the remote?
Have you tried standing on one leg on the third rung of a broken ladder with a westerly wind blowing at least 3 but not more than 8 knots at a range between 3 feet and 2.8 meters with the remote held upsidedown in your left hand held against the right side of your nose and working the buttons with your right thumb?
Have you tried a spare remote?
Can you borrow a spare remote from a friend/colleague/acquaintance/stranger/random-passerby?
What do you mean, the device does not have a remote?
Have you tested the sprongle flange on the exterior casing of the widgetfangle just above the doobrie port? You do have a diagnostic test meter calibrated to .0001 microscorans, don't you?
You do realise that this item only has a 90 day warranty that has long since expired?
Did you take out an extended warranty?
What is your extended warranty number?
Did you realise that your extended warranty has expired?
Have you tried a soft reboot? No, I don't have the directions on this obsolete model.
Have you tried a hard reboot? No, I don't have the directions on this obsolete model.
Have you tried a factory reset? No, I don't have the directions on this obsolete model.
Have you downloaded and installed the latest software? No, I don't have the directions on this obsolete model.
Have you downloaded and installed the latest firmware? No, I don't have the directions on this obsolete model.
Have you downloaded and installed the latest drivers? No, I don't have the directions on this obsolete model.
Have you rebooted your router?
Factory reset?
Have you rebooted your computer?
Factory reset?
Re-installed the operating system?
Disabled the firewall?
Disabled your virus protection?
Have you checked the toaster? Microwave? Dishwasher? Other random electrical device that has no bearing on the device you're having trouble with?
What colour socks are you wearing?
Shoe size in European?
Shirt collar size in metric?
Dog's name?
Yes, I know these questions have nothing to do with your technical problem, but I'm interested in these things and as I said earlier I get paid by the minute.
Would you like the address of the nearest service centre so you can ship your device there for testing. Shipping is at your expense, be sure to include a cheque for $xx.xx to cover testing and return shipping (non-refundable).
No, the service centre does not accept walk-ins (it's a PO box in Outer Mongolia).
No, the service centre does not guarantee to get your device working.
No, the service centre cannot return your device within 3 months as they have a huge backlog.
Yes, the service centre will lose your product when you did not use tracked shipping.
Yes, the service centre will lose your device when you did use tracked shipping, but the fine print says they take no responsibility for loss or theft.
No, the service cntre is not authorised to send you a replacement unit in case yours is beyond help? What part of obsolete is it that are not understanding?
Yes, I do have an accent because I'm based outside of the US on minimum wage (2 bowls of rice per day and all the rancid water I can drink).
No, there is no supervisor on this shift.
Did you really expect such a low-priced device to last much beyond the standard warranty period?
When you purchased this low-cost, rebadged, off-brand product from a dealer with a juvenile website did you really expect to get quality support xx months down the line?
Yes, I can check that for you; please bear with me while I put you on hold.
[bad hold music for 7 minutes 22 seconds]
CLICK
This script, naturally, is not followed by the current X-10 tech support guys; who I'm sure do a much better job than "TaiwanKong Industries, Inc, Co, (China and Malaysia) Ltd."
This post was designed purely for my own amusement, and those select few known to appreciate my particular sense of humour; you know who you are
